At the airport

All those airport bugbears and stuff

So I’m in a taxi, going to the airport. The driver tells me that so many people miss their flights these days as they check the times to get to airport online at midnight before they go to sleep, when the roads are quiet, but when it’s time to leave the journey time has completely changed.

Having arrived at the airport, I make my way to departures, and as the escalator I’m on nears the end, a loud announcement advises me that the end of the escalator is approaching, and that I must therefore leave the escalator. Are we really that dumb we need this?

It takes me 40 minutes to check in my luggage. Why is there only one guy at the check-in desk? They’ve sold £50,000 of tickets for this flight, and they can’t lay on another member of staff?

And why is someone tutting and muttering expletives just behind me? It’s not going to speed things along, is it?

And the process would have been a bit quicker if there weren’t these self-entitled people in front, where everyday rules for everyone else don’t apply to them. The ones who demand their excess luggage fee to be waived, decide to ask for a special meal at the last minute, or plead for a seat upgrade, which just isn’t going to happen.

I walk through the seemingly eternal, infernal shopping centre between security and the gate. Which sells duty free spirits that are more expensive than at my local supermarket. A woman points an aerosol at me, and sprays me. Is it pepper spray? Tear gas? No, Georgio Armani aftershave.

I walk onto another escalator and at the top someone in front of me has decided that when they get off, that’s the best place to stop in their tracks and get their bearings. Yes, it seems some people really are that dumb.

I go to a fast food restaurant, there’s nothing healthier on offer. There’s no printed menus, just a QR code. When was a customer ever going to prefer scrolling through menus, wading through webpages on their little mobile phone, over spending a few seconds scanning an A4 sheet of paper?

A waiter adds two euros to the bill for a dollop of mayonnaise and another for ketchup. I thought these usually came automatically with a burger and fries? His first defence was saying that he asked if I wanted them when I ordered. However, he didn’t take my order. His next point was that this was an airport, what did I expect? Meaning, of course it would be overpriced and I’d also be ripped off.

I get a small amount of foreign currency at an ATM. It costs me £4.80 more than if I’d just gone to my bank.

I look for somewhere to sit. Why do so many airports have so little seating? And why do so many people decide to lay across several seats because they want a nap, or simply hog several seats with their bags?

I need to charge my laptop and my phone. Yet there are absolutely no electrical sockets anywhere.

One after another, people walk past dragging roller suitcases, those wheelie suitcase things. What’s so amazing is that we put up with conventional suitcases for so many years: no one, just no one, thought to put wheels on one.

Plus there’s no water fountains to fill up my water bottle. In these times when the world needs to wean people off buying endless plastic water bottles, why are there no water fountains at this airport?

I wait at the gate. A bloke is watching a loud TV game show on his phone, without headphones. When did that become ok? And then there’s those people who have to shout when they’re having a conversation on their phone. And the ones who get irritating sound notifications each and every time they get an email, text or WhatsApp message.

At last I’m on the plane. Now I can relax. Yet we’ve all put our bags in the overhead lockers, everyone is seated, but we are now waiting. The time drags on. Then it dawns on us - we’re waiting for the latecomers. And then we miss our take-off slot.

What are your airport bugbears?